My step-son died by suicide on December 11th of 2009 at the age of 17 and  just weeks away from Christmas.  How in the hell can you move through this grief and celebrate a holiday?  The tree was half decorated that day, as I was waiting for all the kids to be back in the same room together to finish.  I already had his presents wrapped and under the tree.  What do you do?  What do you do with it all?  The presents, the stocking hanging with his name, the unimaginable pain in your soul?  The Christmas tree stood there lit up and I couldn’t see anything but anger and shame.  I wanted to call off Christmas.  I wanted the world to stop.

So, how do you do this you now?  How do you move through this grief?  One of the ways for me was to create rituals.  In other blogs I have talked about the power of rituals.  Rituals are routines we have as a family that connect us.  Rituals say “when the world is falling down around you, these things will always be there for you.”  For example, growing up we always opened Christmas presents from my grandma on Christmas eve, then Santa came and we opened his presents in the morning.  When my mom and dad divorced lots of things changed, but that stayed the same.

I had already started many rituals with my family before Justin’s death.  For example, when I dropped the kids off at school I would yell “Remember your name” and they would turn to me a give me that “whatever” look, but there was a twinkle in their eye and they knew, and I knew, it was our way of saying “I love you and we are family.”

The most powerful ritual in our family is called a Hand Story.  This comes from the book “I Love You Rituals” by Dr. Becky Bailey.  Dr. Becky Bailey describes a Hand Story as “A  gentle hand massage accompanied by a personalized social story that helps a child deal with stress or anxiety. The story you tell will reflect a specific, personalized experience or concern for the child.”  So every night before the girls went to bed we did a hand story.  I would massage their hand and I would start with their pinky finger and I would stay, “This is a story about Emily and she has amazing green eyes” then I would take the ring finger and say “And she helped mom in the kitchen today” and on I would go until I got to the thumb where you would talk about a concern or something the person is struggling with( for me the thumb would be “and sometimes you feel like you aren’t good enough.”)  Then you gently fold the thumb into the palm of their hand and cover the thumb with their fingers and you would say “And all these things will keep you safe.”  So powerful.  So connecting…  And I can tell you as a family we have gone back to that hand story many many times.  When I went through my divorce I looked at my eleven-year-old when she was having a pretty angry day and I would say “Do you want a hand story?” and she stuck her hand out and we connected.  When Justin died, out the hand story came again.

As I stared at the half decorated lit up tree I remembered rituals.  I knew I would need to make new rituals to honor my pain and to feel connected to him. And that to move through grief, rituals would be a powerful tool.   So I began.  That first Christmas I couldn’t bare to not fill his stocking but what could I fill it with?  So I wrote him a letter and put it in the stocking.  And every year after that I wrote him a letter on Christmas eve and as I filled the girls’ stockings I would slip the letter into his.  Now 9 years later I write the letter in my head.  We developed rituals around his birthday like serving his favorite meal and eating his favorite cake.  He got so much joy from sweets, he would be delighted!  I keep a picture of him where my jewelry rests and make a silent promise to him daily to serve others in pain as away of using his death to make a difference.  The list goes on.

Here is the thing: no one gets to tell you how to move through your grief.  You get to create the rituals that mean something to you.  Some people choose to take the day off work to honor a death date.  I chose to work and serve in his name.  If you are reading this blog I would say start your rituals today, not just the grief rituals that move you through and mark remembrance, but the rituals that you can lean on when the hard stuff happens.  Christmas will always be a hard time but with rituals I am able to move through in a more effective and connected way.   I would love to hear from you and the rituals you have created.  Feel free to email me at Jamie@conscioushealingcounseling.com.  My heart to your heart.

Resources:

I Love You Rituals by Dr. Becky Bailey

To read more about Dr. Becky Bailey visit her website at : www.consciousdiscipline.com

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/   1-800-273-8255 

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/

Support group in your area: https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/find-a-support-group/

Note: If you are in a life threatening situation, do NOT use this site.
Call the 24-hr National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255.

Here at Conscious Healing Counseling, we provide mental health support for individuals, families, children, teens, & couples.

Our wholehearted, individualized approach facilitates conscious change so you can live an authentic life filled with love and belonging.

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Author: Jamie Mosley

Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.