I can clearly see me as a seven year old: with bright red patent leather shoes, skinned knees and a crooked teeth.  I am standing in my front yard, on top of these huge boulders, singing at the top of my lungs.  I didn’t care how my hair looked, or the size of my body, I just sang. I sang because I had something to say, and I thought the world was listening, cheering me on.

I didn’t know that the world could be harsh and cruel: delivering hard messages of failure, loss, and heartbreak, for many years to come.  Reflecting back on that journey, I began trying to find meaning in my parents divorce, living in poverty, my own journey with divorce, and the heartbreak of my step-son’s suicide.  I continued to ask why, to try to make sense of the painful journey I was on.  I remember thinking at one point in my life that I couldn’t possible endure any more heartache.   I was sure the world had dished out it’s best challenges for me and I was still standing.  But of course, life is filled with painful moments as well as joyful ones.  And just like that, a new heartbreak, a new painful challenge, a new round of loss and grief as my 3 -year- old son was diagnosed with Autism.  I just couldn’t make sense of it: Why? Why? Why ME?

And then one day I was driving in my car and the song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield began playing.

“Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

REACHING FOR SOMETHING IN THE DISTANCE
SO CLOSE YOU CAN ALMOST TASTE IT
RELEASE YOUR INHIBITIONS
FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN
NO ONE ELSE CAN FEEL IT FOR YOU
ONLY YOU CAN LET IT IN
NO ONE ELSE, NO ONE ELSE
CAN SPEAK THE WORDS ON YOUR LIPS
DRENCH YOURSELF IN WORDS UNSPOKEN
LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN
TODAY IS WHERE YOUR BOOK BEGINS
THE REST IS STILL UNWRITTEN”

 It all began to come together like a beautiful puzzle I had been working on all my life.   All those painful pieces came together to create the gifts I now held: compassion, empathy, understanding, and boundaries, all wrapped with a silky, non-judgmental bow.  All those painful lessons had a value. And with every fall I had learned something more about myself, every mistake crystallized who I am.   Every failure was bringing me closer to the dream of sitting with others to hold space for their pain and to ignite hope.

As I was singing in my car I could clearly see that little girl on the rock with those amazing red patent leather shoes singing to world like she had something to say. I had lost her for a while but there she was singing without the gnawing feeling of worrying what others would think of her, or if she was good enough, but singing because she loved to sing—period.

Here are Seven Things I Learned from Heartbreak and Pain:

Resilience BABY:  I learned after ever stumble, fall, and crappy choice I made, I brushed myself off and tried again.  I learned that a part of the journey wasn’t so much in the trusting of others, but in the trusting of myself.  I learned to trust ME knowing that when life challenged me I could handle it.  Now that didn’t mean I wasn’t angry, hurt, wounded or feeling just plain defeated, but it did mean that I honored all those feelings and began again.

Sitting in Uncertainty:  I learned that I didn’t have all the answers and that at times I would have to embrace sitting in uncertainty, knowing full well my brain wants the answer but there are many days I just don’t have it.  I learned to trust that when the time was right I would know.

BREATHE:  I learned to slow down and breathe.  To regulate myself when my emotions ran high and I wanted to lash out at others.  I wanted my kids to be calm but realized I struggled to find calm myself.  The first step in my kids being calm was, frankly, ME staying calm.  This is not an easy task…

Values:  I drilled down on what my values were. I had to get super clear on what I valued in life.  This allowed me to say yes to the things that aligned with my values, and no to the things I didn’t, without feeling shame.  Now when I need to make a hard choice I think about the things that matter most to me and use that to map out the answer.

What you focus on you get more of:  For a long time I kept saying “I just don’t want anymore chaos in my life” but the more I said that, the more chaos arrived.  When I turned it in to what I did want “I want more peace in my life” I slowly noticed the shift, and more peace arrived.

To be quiet:  I often found myself tying to stay busy all the time. If I wasn’t busy I just didn’t know what to do with myself.  Quiet felt like hell because I would actually have to stop and feel.  Once I leaned into quiet I found this simple practice of being still, if even for 2 minutes a day, could recharge me, and allow me to listen to my wisest self and process hard emotions.

Ask for Help:  I DO NOT like asking for help and that is a lonely frustrating road to hoe.  I learned that asking for what I want and need in a way that aligned with my values left me feeling loved, valued and able to give more to others.

Unwritten– each day is an unwritten opportunity to write a new story to sing a new song.  Your song- Your story.  Yes, the lyrics will be painful at times ,and yes, you may wonder why the hell life has thrown yet another challenge your way.  But here is what I know with every fiber of my being: YOU DO HARD THINGS!  YOU MATTER! and you will find your voice- your story.   So, if you want to blog, sing, laugh out loud, dream or just sit quietly- DO IT!  Live your life with arms wide open, embracing the hard, and the awesome.  No one else can feel it for you , today is where your book begins…The rest is unwritten.

LOOKING FOR MORE INSPIRATION:  HERE ARE SOME OF MY FAVORITE GO TO SONGS:

If We’re Honest by Francesca Battistelli

Fearless by Jasmine Murray

Unpack Your Heart by Philip Philips

I Am Light by India. Arie

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

Dream Big by Ryan Shupe and The Rubberband

Here at Conscious Healing Counseling, we provide mental health support for individuals, families, children, teens, & couples.

Our wholehearted, individualized approach facilitates conscious change so you can live an authentic life filled with love and belonging.

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Author: Jamie Mosley

Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.