As an avid consumer of Brené Brown’s work I am continually working on shame resilience skills.  You know shame (that feeling of not enough): it is that crappy feeling that knocks the wind out of you and can bring you to your knees. The feeling that seems to sit on you like a heavy suit of armor leaving you depleted and disconnected from those around you.  I have recently started a private practice and this has flung me into vulnerability with shame continually lurking around the corner.  It arrives when I least expect it to, giving me the opportunity to practice  shame resilience  skills (thanks universe).  I am currently facilitating a Daring Way™ group and I typically begin the group by saying “There is no shame-away spray.”  I so wish there was…  but what I can show you instead is the practice of shame resilience.

About 9 months ago I traveled to Houston to work with the victims of Hurricane Harvey.  While I was there I received an email that was painful and shame provoking.  The gist of the email was very clear to me as “You are not enough.”  Here I am surrounded by other professionals I trust and respect, and I felt like a fraud.  I began doubting my skills as a counselor and felt the urge to crawl in a hole somewhere.  I knew shame had arrived as my body responds the same way every dang time – my heart races, my arm pits start to sweat, and my brain feels foggy. I knew it was time to employ my shame resilience skills.

Know your shame triggers:

I knew right away I was in shame because over the years I have gotten clearer on my shame triggers.  For me it is body imagine, being a good parent, and being an effective counselor, to name a few.  This was clearly poking my “are you an effective counselor trigger.”

Check the facts:

I began by checking the facts: Am I enough? Yes. Do I make mistakes? Of course. Was my intent to be hurtful? Of course not.  Okay—moving on.

Share your shame with someone who has earned the right to hear it:

I talked to two colleagues I trusted (a key point in shame resilience).  I leaned into vulnerability and shared my shame.  They were so supportive and the both helped me move through shame by using their empathy.   I felt shame move a hair, but damn, it was still there.

Use self-compassion:

I started speaking to myself with kindness and love. Saying things like, “This person is struggling and I don’t know her story.”  “I show up as myself with positive intent and I will continue to make mistakes throughout my life.”  “This is just another ‘opportunity for me to grow.’”

Want to learn more about self-compassion? (click here for a great book on self-compassion)

But I only  felt shame move a smidge.  I went for a walk to try to move the physical effects of shame out of my body and it was still there.  I was like, “COME ON NOW, Brené, I am doing the work! Why isn’t this over?”  And then it struck me…  There is no shame-away…  I am going to have to feel this and continue to use the shame resilience skills and allow it to move.  Fighting it was just keeping me stuck.

The question is always: “When am I am going to stop feeling… shame, hurt, lonely, and not enough?”  Unfortunately, the definitive answer is, you won’t.  Negative emotions are going to keep coming at you, but practicing shame resilience skills can move you through those feelings effectively, one-stinking-step at a time.

If you would like to join me on learning shame resilience skills I will be starting a Rising Strong™ group in September.  This is an amazing journey in learning your shame triggers, unpacking and beginning to write your new story.  Check out my website for more details at Conscious Healing Counseling or to find a group in your area visit The Daring Way

More info on shame resilience skills-Here is a  quick 2 minute video of Brené sharing shame reliance skills.  Check it out!

Here at Conscious Healing Counseling, we provide mental health support for individuals, families, children, teens, & couples.

Our wholehearted, individualized approach facilitates conscious change so you can live an authentic life filled with love and belonging.

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Author: Jamie Mosley

Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.