I want the “perfect holiday.”  I want the magazine table with a beautiful center piece and matching place settings and decorations.  I want my family to eat tons of delicious food, play games and laugh around the table.  I want everyone to be grateful and pitch in to help and thank me when all is said and done. 

As I ponder these UNSPOKENexpectations (you know those expectations you have in your mind but you don’t let anyone in on and then you end up angry or hurt because things didn’t go the way YOU planned) I remembered watching endless hours of tv and reading countless numbers of books.  Somewhere in all the fantasy land of tv and books I formed this ideal image of what a holiday should look like.    As if I planned out the perfect menu, bought the perfect gifts, and was the perfect hostess my family would know how much I loved them and therefor would proclaim me the PERFECT wife and mother.

This year as I sat down to plan the menu I began by asking everyone in the family what they wanted for Easter dinner.  Another expectation I set for myself is making sure everyone has a dish they feel makes it “Easter” to them.  Let’s pause a moment and ponder that word “EXPECTATION.”  The definition of expectation is ‘A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.’ Hmmm a strong belief, as in I hope it will happen, or it might happen…  And Shakespeare said that “Expectation is the root of all heartache” Hmmm so with no expectations I won’t ever be heartbroken???  Okay so I am not suggesting a life with zero expectations (thanks anyway Shakespeare), but I am suggesting that my expectations need to be spoken out loud, so they aren’t some belief or hope, and instead my friends and family are aware of what I would like.  Now back to the menu planning.

As I started putting the menu together I noticed this hole where no one had requested a vegetable dish.  I started thinking ‘Hey we HAVE to have a vegetable dish.  Every family gathering has a vegetable dish.  How will my family have a rounded meal without the vegetable dish?  Should I add green bean casserole? How about that broccoli and cheese?’ I started firing out texts, ‘Hey we need a vegetable what do you guys want?’  And the answers came back ‘I don’t care’ and I noticed I was a bit irritated.  I mean didn’t they realize that I am planning the perfect meal for them and that a lot of time and energy was going into this day and how hard could it be to pick a vegetable dish that they liked?  I asked myself, “Jamie, what vegetable dish do you want?”  You know what?  I didn’t care either.  In fact, I didn’t want a vegetable at all. I wanted my grandmother’s risotto dish and a cheesecake for dessert.  And then it hit me- SCREW the vegetable.  The vegetable wasn’t about loving my family the vegetable was about the PERFECT holiday.

I love to cook, and I get satisfaction with cooking the Easter meal and I enjoy seeing the table set and the Easter baskets full of goodies.  I have no resentment at all around those things, so I know that I am not hustling in the name of perfectionism.   However, I do hate the clean-up and washing dishes and if people get up from the table and move to the living room too soon.  Yet, I never ask for help? I never say, “Hey will you sit with me a little longer at the table I like to linger.” Might these be unspoken expectations?

This year the veggie won’t be on my table and neither will my unspoken expectations. And sorry perfectionism, no Easter basket for you!  I will ask for help and let my family know what my hope for the day is.  Now, that doesn’t mean that everyone will have the same hope and I will listen to what their expectation of the day is. It is funny I have never asked any of them what their hope is.  Finally, if I notice irritation rising up I will notice it, check my expectation ask for help if needed or just plain lose  the expectation for myself.  Cheers to a holiday of connection versus perfection.

Here at Conscious Healing Counseling, we provide mental health support for individuals, families, children, teens, & couples.

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Author: Jamie Mosley

Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.