Saying No to People Pleasing– The Walk into Assertiveness (the journey of enough part 7 )
I grew up in a small town of a couple hundred people. My eighth-grade graduating class had three people in it, including me. When a school/town is that small it really is no cliché that ‘everybody knows everything’ and you were either ‘cool’ or not. In the ‘in’ crowd or not. The feeling of not belonging still rests in my heart like a dull pain. I felt like so many things separated me from belonging, or so I thought. We were poor. I remember pulling up to church with blue smoke billowing out of our car. On one hand I was grateful our car was working, and on the other hand, I was ashamed of how obvious it was that we were different. I look back and see myself and my brother as outsiders, not only were we poor, we were also one of the few kids whose parents were divorced. I can still see myself asking a friend to come over to my house and her replying that “My mom said I can’t play with you anymore because your parents are divorced.” It is funny how I didn’t know it really mattered until that moment: I was still the same kid I was a month ago but now you are treating me differently? I was struggling to fit in to feel some sort of belonging, and I think that this is where my passivity began. I thought that if I went along with others and got along with people, I would be liked (even if I was overweight, on food stamps, and had divorced parents).
I see myself around 8 years old waiting in line for the drinking fountain. I was so thirsty! But I thought ‘if I let others go in front of me they will see my kindness and like me!’ WRONG! More and more people just pushed in front to get their drink first. And yet somehow, I didn’t get the message that is okay to have needs and wants. It doesn’t mean you are unkind if you express yourself, or if you keep your place inline at the water fountain. I would continue with this pattern of people pleasing for many years to come: saying yes when I meant no, and being pissed when others didn’t reciprocate my kindness, or my sacrifices, that I made in the sake of others’ happiness.
As the years passed my passivity moved into a brilliant shade of passive-aggressiveness. This is where I don’t actually tell you what I want and need, but I expect you to know, and if you don’t then I get quiet and mad, storming around the house or slamming cabinets. For example, if the trash is overflowing instead of reminding my husband of his job I huff and puff and give him the evil eye as I take it out. Relationship failure for sure. Or if I am hurt I just quietly retreat to my room in hopes that you will figure it out and when you do ask I say things like “fine” or “you should know.” However not only was I not getting my needs met, I was hurting all my relationships, and I was still angry and empty.
So, what turned the tide? What was the breaking point? What was the moment when the universe said ‘haven’t you learned anything yet?’ I don’t know if I can pin it down to one moment. There were so many missed expectations and ruined relationships along the way that it slowly became apparent that something needed to change. I do remember a significant turning point when I was dating my husband and my passivity or passive-aggressive self showed up, and he just put a solid boundary in place, clearly communicating what was okay and what wasn’t okay for him. ‘HMMMMM… he may have something there’ I thought. I mean, he walked around pretty content most of the time, and often said what he needed and wanted, and the world didn’t crumble when I didn’t agree with him, and he still felt loved even if I said no. Was it possible to say no and still feel loved? Was it possible to let others know that I needed “me” time or that my birthday is important to me? Should I really expect the people I love to know the thoughts in my head?
I co-facilitate a DBT group (dialectical behavioral therapy) and there is a handout on the three voices we use in relationships: Passive, Aggressive and Assertive (I would add passive-aggressive if I made that hand out). I am super good at that one. That handout struck a chord in me as it listed out one-by-one how passive people think:
Passive people:
“HOPE” Others Meet Their Needs
Avoid the Problem
Let Others Decide Their Worth
Are Often Angry And Feel Taken Advantage Of
Say Yes When They Mean No
Put Others Needs In Front Of Their Own
Yep! Check, Check, Check, Check, Check and Check! Well Hell! Now what? How did I move from a passive at times passive aggressive voice to a more assertive voice? How do I go from looking for others to define my worth, to knowing my worth myself?
I had to start communicating effectively. This past week I turned to my husband and said, “Hey, it is my birthday in a few weeks.” He looked at me and said, “’Yeah…” (with that ‘duh, I know, what is your point?’ look) I took a breath and tried again. “My birthday is coming up and I would like it be special, what are ya planning?” Guess what? He wasn’t planning anything! But he still has a few weeks, so he can get on the ball now. But just think how hurt I would have been if I had just “hoped” he knew, and then my birthday came around with no fanfare whatsoever. #Relationship failure.
I had to start saying NO! What? That’s right: NO. Shonda Rhimes (the writer of shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal) wrote a book last year called “The Year of YES” and in that book she talks about how she needed to starting saying YES more and start living. For me, I needed the book “The Year of NO.” I needed to start saying NO to people pleasing and YES to me. Saying no doesn’t make me selfish or unkind, it just makes me, well, frankly, ME: someone who knows her boundaries, values and knows herself. And bonus, I am not spending my time being angry or resentful because others haven’t shown up they way I “hoped” they would when I did something kind. I did it because I wanted to, period.
I had to stop worrying how others would respond to a “no” or my assertive voice. It is hard to take care of yourself when you are taking care of others. In fact, in Brené Brown’s Book, “Rising Strong” she shared it isn’t possible to put a boundary in place while taking care of others’ feelings. In other words, I would have to let go of people pleasing and realize that other people are responsible for their reactions and feelings, not me. So if my “no” is a bummer for you that’s okay. I get it I don’t like to be told no either. But hey, I sure respect a person who has boundaries in place.
Here is something that surprised me on this journey: when you start to say no and put boundaries in place, some people don’t like ya much anymore. Some people like the people pleasing aspect of you. That was some hard truth tea. But on the flip side I found my tribe. I found the people who like all of me even the part who says, “No, not tonight” or “I would love to, but it doesn’t fit into my week but ask again,” or the little girl part of me that says, “I feel loved when you make my birthday special,” or “Can you cuddle tonight? I really need it.”
Trust me on this: if being passive is a struggle for you, and you finding yourself stumbling to establish appropriate boundaries, this is a BIG hill to climb. A climb I must constantly evaluate and re-evaluate and that is okay because I ain’t perfect! I do know I am a hell of a lot more content and happy with more to give than before. I have deeper and more meaningful connections and that is worth being uncomfortable for a moment as I say no or to ask for what I want, need, and damn it, deserve! So climb the hill I will.
Are you ready to walk into enough? What will you ask for? What do you want more of in your life? What do you want less of? What will you say NO to? Be clear, communicate, and hold the boundary. Climb baby climb!!!! Is there a Miley Cyrus song playing in your head now? Cause there sure is in mine.
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Author: Jamie Mosley
Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.