The Walk Back To Spirituality (The Journey of Enough part 8)
I hesitated all week in writing this or not. Could I put into words what it was like to turn away from spirituality and the belief that there was something bigger than me? Could I let people see this part of my heart? I grew up Catholic and went to church every (well most) Sundays. I can still see my grandma kneeling by the side of her bed, with me next to her, praying while she used her rosary. It was a peaceful time and I was awed at my grandmother’s commitment to God. I was teaching Catechism by the time I was in High School. I prayed for lots of things back then: to be thin; to be happy; to be loved… I had a firm belief in God, and heaven, and yes, even hell. As the years passed I moved in and out of church and after a divorce I moved away from the Catholic church and found a Methodist church that fit me. It was warm and welcoming and had a sense of belonging. However, as life unfolded church became less important, but my faith was still solid. Each night before falling a sleep I would pray the Lord’s prayer and pray for those whom I loved and those in need. I believed that God would take care of me.
As the years passed I began to lose faith more and more struggles came my way. Each time I would hit a hurt I would wonder, “How can there be a God?” In 2009 my seventeen year old step-son completed suicide. I was thrown into the deepest shame of my life and decided to go back to the structure of church. One day as I was sitting in church I began watching my life unfold and as everything around me was falling apart I thought “I know there can’t be a God!” I had endured too much in my life. I had been faithful but I felt as if I had received nothing but heart break and continual confirmation that I wasn’t good enough. I walked out of the church that day and vowed to never return to god. I no longer believed that god existed. I was so angry, lost, and just damn tired of it all. Honestly, that moment felt good, like I had some control back in my life. Because the thought that there was a god and that he would continue to hurt me was a much more painful thought.
It is funny as I look back on this time in my life. There were signs, little messages for me from the universe, that were leading me on my path. For example, after my stepson’s death I was desperate to find answers and pull myself out of the hole I was in. I began reading Brené Brown’s work. When I read her Book “The Gifts of Imperfection” she talked about wholehearted living. As I read the definition,
“ Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”
I thought “I want to live a wholehearted life!” The book goes on to describe 10 guideposts which Brené describes as the guide to wholehearted living. I began reading the book and each month I work to integrate a new guidepost. Guidepost 3 threw me for a bit of a loop as within this guidepost she spoke of spirituality. I could feel a bit of stirring in my heart as I read her definition of spirituality,
“ Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose in our life.”
That definition really struck me! I had been operating out of the mindset that ‘hey nothing happened when you died and that nothing bigger than me existed.’ However, as I stepped back I really started thinking about people I worked with daily who were grounded in spirituality. Now for some it was formal, like God and church, and for others it was energy and universe, and others, like my husband, it was music. I could see how this peace of spirituality was making a positive impact in their lives. It gave them hope when things seemed hopeless, and it gave them strength to continue moving forward. I really started to ponder the impact of spirituality in my life and in the lives of others.
And then the signs really started coming. I co-facilitate a Daring Way ™ group. During the group we do an activity where we create a CD in which everyone brings an anthem song to inspire them as they enter a hard situation. Every time we completed a CD a song would be on it that would speak of spirituality, and it was as if that message was speaking directly to me. I started listening closer to the lyrics and I could feel something opening inside me. Then a co-worker gave me a book written by Jen Hatmaker who writes about God in a kind of kick-ass, no-nonsense way. I was like ‘okay what is the universe trying to tell me?
Another sign came my way as two co-workers and I headed to Houston, Texas to volunteer after the hurricane; it seemed like every person we met along the journey was giving gratitude to God even though they were sitting in the middle of nothing. As we were coming back on the plane my co-worker, who has very deep faith, began talking about God. I shared my journey and how I didn’t believe in God anymore and she simply said “I get it Jamie. I know you are going through something hard.” She didn’t judge me, she didn’t launch into some speech about “God never gives me more than I can handle,” she just gave me space to feel the possibility of all that I had known in my past and all that I know now.
The finally sign came one day as I was driving to pick up my daughter from the airport. I was listening to a Daring Way™ playlist I had created with many of the anthems of others, and some of my own, and a spiritual song came on and it felt as if I was transported outside of myself, and I could see that little girl with the red patent leather shoes standing on the rock singing. And God walked right up to her and picker her up and said, “Jamie, all that you have been through was leading you to this moment. To helping others heal, so you could deeply love and understand, heart-to-heart, what others are going through, without judgement.” I sat there stunned. It was so real and so powerful. And it was that moment that I felt the last piece of my heart thaw I opened my heart back up to faith.
Spirituality can manifest itself in many ways: it can be church, God, the Universe, running, music, meditating, or any number of other things. How is it showing up in your life? I am currently reading “The Universe Has Your Back” By Gabrielle Bernstein. I love the concepts in it and the openness that there is more than one way to increase spirituality in your life.
I would like to have a list of the ‘7 things I learned about spirituality’ but honestly it really boils down to this: I feel at peace; I believe that there is something bigger than myself; I feel love when I feel that we are all connected; and, I feel safe knowing that there is a greater energy working for me and that by leaning into love and not fear I can receive and embrace all that this life has to offer, including the hard stuff. I trust in the universe to keep me on my path praying daily that my gifts be used as needed. Praying that the people I am meant to work with will be put in my path. Yes, that keeps me out of fear and scarcity and keeps me wrapped in love and connection. I have no call to action for you, your path is your path—- trust it, lean into love by choosing connection over fear, chose enough over scarcity. Cause you know what – YOU ARE ENOUGH!
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Author: Jamie Mosley
Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.