Grief Demands to Be Felt: A Suicide Loss Survivor’s Story
It was a cold December night as I turned the corner to my house I could see the lights flashing red and blue in front of my home. Rows of police car were blocking the road to my home and in the middle was an ambulance. I remember having a brief though that the neighbor must be in trouble and then it hit me. That ambulance, the police cars, all those damn flashing red lights, they were in front of my house. I can remember the fear that ripped through my body. My daughter was home, my step-son was home, what the hell was going on? I couldn’t even park in my driveway as I ran down the street saying “That is my house” there were several firefighters and police officers standing in front of my house “What happened?” I said desperately, and they just looked at me. “What happened!” I said louder as fear choked me and they just looked at me. A police officer came forward and asked me to come sit down inside. I can still see his face almost 9 years later- it is seared into my brain. “No,” I said, “I can’t go in until you tell me what is wrong.” He said the words “Your son has committed suicide I am sorry he is gone.” And just like that, my world would never be the same. My family would never be the same.
How could this be? How could a seventeen year old boy feel that lonely? How could someone feel so unloved and unworthy in my home, to be in so much pain that he no longer could bear the thought of living? The next few weeks would be filled with the unthinkable. Things no parent should ever have to do: the cleaning out of his locker, picking out his casket, and trying to understand why. Nine years later and I still ask “How did it come to this? Why?”
When someone dies by suicide it is such a complicated grief. Those left behind have so many questions and so much shame. Shame- the feeling of not enough, that you are not worthy of love and belonging. I was swimming in the deepest shame of my life. I know Justin, my step-son, must have felt that very same feeling to take his life. I remember for months I would desperately go through his room searching for clues, what had I missed, what did I do, what didn’t I do? The burden is heavy on those of us left behind.
And let me be honest, I didn’t know how to handle this grief- this shame. I tried every unhealthy way to avoid feeling this shame this grief. I tried to numb it . I isolated myself from the people I loved. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. Everything around me was falling apart and I couldn’t fix it. It felt as if the world was in slow motion and people were rushing past me and I kept saying in my head “Slow down,wait- Wait for me! This isn’t happening!”
I began a quest to find out when this grief would be over, when I would stop feeling this gut wrenching pain. I wanted someone to tell me how long: A week? A month? A year? A lifetime? I asked people who had also experienced loss and no one had an answer- no time frame. I read the stages of grief. You know 1. Shock 2. Denial 3. Anger 4. Bargaining 5. Depression 6. Acceptance. I quickly learned that the stages of grief aren’t sequential, they move all over the place. It wasn’t as if when I got to step six it would be over. In any given day I could be in shock or anger or bargaining.
As I began to write this blog I tried to formulate what I wanted the reader to gain from reading this, and to be honest there are so many things I have to say, and so much I have learned from grieving. But I will leave you with only one today. Grief must be felt. You can try to numb it – you know drinking, eating, working until exhausting, unhealthy relationships and the list goes on and on but honestly all that does is delay the process. It keeps you stuck, it makes it twice as hard. My oldest daughter got a tattoo when she turned 18 in honor of her brother. It said simply “The Only Way Out Is Through.” Oh how that resonated with me. It fit so well for Grief- you can’t hide from it- it will keep following you until you stop, feel, and honor what you have lost. Brené Brown shared in her book Rising Strong that grief has three parts. 1. Feeling lost, 2. Honoring and grieving what you are longing for, and finally 3. Honoring and grieve what you have lost. It is a process-it is a journey.
And that question I wanted answered: how long will this grief last? Well nine years later here is what I know: I think about him every day. Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with sadness, sometimes with laughter and sometimes with anger. Some days I move through a day and it is just a dull ache in my heart and some days it hits me like a ton of bricks. You see once you lose someone you miss them forever- That doesn’t go away. As time goes by the good memories over take the sadness and you begin to feel lighter. However, you are forever changed -grief is now a part of your story and to deny that would be denying who you are.
It was a slow climb out of the shame hole I was in. It began with little baby steps. I had to stop the numbing and start the feeling. I found myself an amazing counselor, I joined a suicide survivor support group and I served on a suicide prevention committee. I shared my story with people who loved me and saw the best in me. They didn’t judge me or try to fix it they just said, “I am here.” You see we can’t walk the grief road alone. We weren’t meant to.
In the last 40 or so years, numerous books targeting “suicide loss survivors” have helped people move through their grief, books like Survivors of Suicide, Suicide Survivors Handbook, Suicide Survivors: A Guide for Those Left Behind, Meditations for Survivors of Suicide, and No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One. Some I have read some I haven’t.
Finally “The Only Way Out Is Through” also had another message. It was a shout out to others who are in shame- feeling that they aren’t worthy of love and belonging, feeling that they aren’t enough. That in this life we must feel all the shit- the ups and the downs and that shame is something that can be moved through. If you are reading this now and are feeling suicidal please know that there is hope. Shame is a LIAR. I know in my heart of hearts Justin didn’t want to die, he wanted to feel good enough. He wanted the pain to cease. It was an impulsive move. If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255
Here at Conscious Healing Counseling, we provide mental health support for individuals, families, children, teens, & couples.
Our wholehearted, individualized approach facilitates conscious change so you can live an authentic life filled with love and belonging.
RECENT POSTS
Other Resources:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/
Support group in your area: https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/find-a-support-group/
Note: If you are in a life threatening situation, do NOT use this site.
Call the 24-hr National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255.
Author: Jamie Mosley
Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.