What I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me Before I Got Married.
I am an avid reader and have been since as far back as I can remember. I recall reading every romance novel I could get my hands on, getting lost in the fairy tale of boy meets girl and living happily every after. I created this false idea of what marriage and relationship looked like. It never occurred to me that those romance novels were about the beginning of relationships and not the everyday grind when shit gets real. If I could go back and talk to that teenager who longed for love and connection as she began to develop the myth of fairy tale marriage here is what I would tell her:
Marriage is freaking hard.
And let me tell you- this comes from a woman who has been to the alter more than once (so I kind of think I am an expert on what works and what doesn’t). After the shine is gone and real life kicks in with juggling work, house responsibilities, finances and sometimes kiddos, there is little time for the niceties that you once offered one another. Ya know those times when you just easily had generous assumptions for each other, and things rolled off your back, and you just didn’t take your partner for granted. Marriage is WORK. It means compromise and reminding yourself to see what your partner has done and not what he or she hasn’t done. It means finding the balance between what is right for the marriage and what is right for the individual.
There will be re-occurring fights.
If you take away one thing from this article take away this one… This one changed so much for me. John Gottman the author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” writes about the concept of re-occurring arguments. The summary being that all relationships will have arguments that keep coming around! What? Mind blown! For example, my husband likes to game, and he can get lost in this activity creating a rift between us. We had this argument early on in our relationship. It went something like, “Hey, you’re spending a lot of time gaming and things aren’t getting done and I feel like you are disconnected from us.” And he was like, “Hey I really love to game, but I can see where you’re coming from –I will pay more attention.” “Great,” I thought, that was easy and now he knows! And then he would eventually slip back into the pattern of gaming to the point us needing the conversation again. After about the fiftieth time I was getting superfrustrated and making up lots of stories about what was going on and thinking “What the hell!” And then I read Gottman’s book and he shared the concept of re-occurring arguments. This gave me space to acknowledge that this isn’t about being loved or not being loved or that he just doesn’t care about my wants and needs. This is about us reminding each other what our values are and to come back to our agreements. We aren’t perfect, so we are going to need those reminder conversations of what is working and not working in our relationship. All relationships have re-occurring arguments– can you identify yours? Is it money? It is where your time is spent? Is it disciplining the kiddos? Make space for your re-occurring conversations.
You need seven touches a day for your brain to optimally function.
Dr. Amen wrote in his book “Change Your Brain Change Your Life” that our brain works best when we receive or give seven touches a day. Touch releases those awesome chemicals of dopamine and serotonin. So, look at your relationship and notice if you are connecting in that way. You know a hug, a kiss, a pat on the butt! Touch it up…
It is the little things that count.
Honestly this one seems to be so simple yet something we just forget as we get caught up in our everyday lives. My husband makes sure my coffee is ready to go in the morning. I hate winter, HATE IT (why did we move to Minnesota?), so my hubby fills up my gas tank in the winter when he has my car so I don’t have to stand out in the cold. I know that he loves sweets, so I typically try to bake him something weekly. Nothing makes my heart sing like finding a new pack of gum in my car. I know my hubby enjoys an ice cold Dr. Pepper so I try to put one in the freeze before he gets up in the morning. And when my husband tells me he sees how hard I am working or thanks me for making the kid’s birthdays special well that just goes a long way in my book. So ya see none of these things are earth shattering or huge sweeping gestures. It is the everyday things that makes the grind of everyday life worth it with the person you chose to grind with.
Counseling makes a difference
Finally, I am going to put a plug in for pre-marital and marriage counseling. When I do couples work it is always a bummer to see a couple who waited too long to come see me. Go before the struggle! When I think back to the early days of a relationship when we were doing all the things mentioned above it was easier to hear the wants and needs of one another. We all have wounds and a lot of fights are triggering those past wounds making it hard to bring our wisest self to the argument. Wouldn’t you like to know what your partner’s wounds are and how to argue in a constructive manner? Of course you would! Seeking a counselor doesn’t mean your marriage is in trouble it means you care enough to put the time and energy into something that means so damn much. So before you say “I do” say “I will” to marriage counseling. And if you already said I do and you feel your marriage could use a tune up…get in there! Your marriage is worth it. Protect it.
In closing, marriage is hard work! Be prepared to fight for it in a loving way that allows space for each other. Touch it up with the one you love! Ask yourself -what little thing this week have I done to show my partner I care. And finally, if you need someone to help maneuver through the messy middle of marriage get to it!
Here at Conscious Healing Counseling, we provide mental health support for individuals, families, children, teens, & couples.
Our wholehearted, individualized approach facilitates conscious change so you can live an authentic life filled with love and belonging.
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Author: Jamie Mosley
Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.